I have a small handful of clients for whom I design fancy holiday cards each year. They know I’m a mom, but I try to be as professional as possible when working with them – dressing up for meetings, taking phone calls away from the children, responding to emails promptly – so that they know me more for being a stationery-designer than a stay-home-mom.
Last year, at about this time, I was in christmas card production mode. It is quite often a stressful time for me as I do the bulk of my business during the month of November and I’m not so good at balancing work and home – especially when I work at home. I had made just about every mistake possible when ordering my supplies and remember one night getting the the point when I just wanted to give up.
I felt like such a fraud.
Who did I think I was creating cards for these people? If they only knew I was just a frazzled mommy working late at night, sitting on a milk-stained couch watching ‘While You Were Sleeping’ putting their elaborate cards together. If only they knew how tiny my office was. How amateur my graphic design skills were. How little I knew about running a business.
I cried. I prayed. I probably got in bed and sulked for a while before I fell asleep, woke up in the morning and pulled myself together.
I’m feeling a little bit like that right now.
It probably has something to do with the fact that it is mid-November and I’m in that same busy time of year producing cards.
This year, though, I have a blog.
I love writing posts and creating projects, coming up with giveaways and sharing our home and family on here. A creativity has been awakened in me like never before and I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
But sometimes I feel like a fraud.
I’m afraid I present myself as this put-together, always cheerful, well-dressed, organized, ambitious, fabulous wife and super-mom. And on top of it all, a professional business owner. I’d like to think I’m these things. I’d really like you to think I’m these things.
But truth be told, I’m not quite there.
And maybe that’s just what I need to admit.
I work so hard to please, to appear professional, to have perfect graphics, a seamless shop, new and fresh ideas, quality products, interesting things to say or original projects to share.
But I think I lose a little bit of myself in that process.
I am just a regular girl.
A wife who loves her husband, but doesn’t always show it.
A mom who adores her babies, but runs out of patience.
A friend who cherishes her girls, but forgets to return calls.
A person so energized by being creative, but not without dry spells.
I am a homemaker who would rather rearrange furniture than dust it, repaint a bathroom than clean it, eat out than sit down and plan meals.
I’m just a regular girl with the privilege of designing cards for a living and encouraging and inspiring others on this blog. It is a blessing and brings me such pleasure but I think sometimes my expectations for myself can get a little out of control. I’m working on that.
I thank you, sweet reader-friends, for allowing me to just be me – however mightily-imperfect this girl truly is.